On Tuesday I wrote a short post on finding your voice at the table. The voice is your vehicle to self-discovery – it helps build connections, find solutions, and share what you believe. Not having a voice, or limiting its expression, can lead to frustration and regret, besides the impact upon career advancement.

So why is it so hard sometimes to speak up? For me, this was a struggle because speaking up means being seen. Even as I found myself in more senior roles, and leading a large team, I would go through stages of questioning whether my opinion was “correct”, whether it would come out in a clear and professional manner, and why my voice should be heard in that moment rather than someone better qualified. This spoke to several fears:

  • “Correct” – what is it to let go of perfectionism? At times I have found myself saying things that I thought were the approved answers, rather than what I really thought. Sometimes as a leader you find yourself repeating the party line, and it takes effort to be authentic at times.
  • “Professionalism” – I admire others’ ability to speak professionally, but actually I admire more those that can speak with passion. I have feared showing passion in public: we are trained to restrain our emotion, particularly as men, and 20 years working with data and analytics likely hasn’t helped with that!
  • “Qualified” – I feared saying something that would demonstrate a lack of expertise, even though the subject in question was commonly exploring an area of uncertainty or development. It has made me hang back, only sometimes countered by a meeting Chair consciously establishing a safe environment to speak and inviting my view.

Across all of these factors can be overlaid my inner judge: that’s the inner voice that beats me up over my mistakes and shortcomings. Feelings of guilt, shame, regret and disappointment come from listening to this voice. Perhaps it’s a voice that you also have – it is very common. But until recently, I had believed that these same negative feelings were helpful in driving me forwards to try harder, push further, and learn from my missteps. So what do I believe today, and why?

Firstly, I have changed my perspective on “correct”. It has held me back from expressing a view at all sometimes, or alternatively missing the moment to have the greatest impact. Today I set myself the task of writing the best article I could in 90 minutes or less: it’s different to writing the best article I could on speaking up, which I suspect would never be good enough for me to share. Reframing my intent here to one of contributing to the debate, rather than providing the definitive answer. I think in business, even sharing what you are struggling to express is a way of achieving the same goal – debate, creativity, and learning.

Secondly, I have been looking at what I am about. My perspective on “professional” hadn’t been put under review for quite some time. I have always valued calm analytical thinking and logic, I know it has been one of my strengths, and yet people relate with people more than they do to facts. My most powerful communication, I believe, was where I set that aside and leaned into my authentic values around kindness, compassion, community and sharing. Putting the two sides of logic and my personal values into a story: that’s where I had my greatest impact.

Thirdly, I have reflected on the role of the leader. The more senior I became, it often felt like I was becoming less and less “qualified”. The questions that need answering are often more complex, the data less clear, and as you make the decision you know there’s a 30-40% likelihood that it will later prove to be the “wrong” one. That can be paralysing to speaking up, and speaking decisively with a voice that others can follow. The change for me came in flipping the perspective: no decision would likely mean a worse outcome, and the best option is to decide at pace with the limited information at my disposal. I have also been journaling at the point of decision what my expectation of the outcome was: it’s my own body of data that shows I am good at reading people and how I think they will behave, but I am over-ambitious when it comes to gauging the likely speed of technical implementation. Perhaps this is something you could try in order to assess where you are “qualified” to speak forthrightly, and where you may want to gather additional input first.

The greatest change in my ability to speak up as been my inner work. This has come in two parts, working with my coach:

  • My inner judge: getting granular on when this voice comes out, what they sound like, what their intent is, and to be able to hold its view up to the light and see it for what it is. I’ve named mine “Tito the Mosquito” because it is a voice that makes me small, it’s annoying, and it drains me. So now I notice when Tito is speaking, and then choose how I wish to act.
  • My inner wisdom: this is one of my counter voices to Tito. I think of all that I am as a father, as a guide, as a role model with kindness and compassion. With that version of me in mind, I find I am able to cast aside some of the “you can’t” and “you’ll look a fool” type comments from Tito, and put my best foot forward.

My ability to access that inner wisdom is something I continue to practice, and it takes effort to build new habits. I know I’m getting there because I am increasingly able to overcome my fear of asking for help. Yesterday I spoke with my brothers and father about how they might help me as a I build up my coaching business, and these last few months I have built a network of people that I can be vulnerable with in sharing how I am getting on.

The good news is that some of this learning came to me from years of experience of what was and was not working in business. The deeper work around my own internal saboteurs has taken the support of my coach and learning from my own coaching clients to develop. For me, however, I wish I had sped up this process of discovery: it’s truly exciting to now be speaking my own truth and see my actions in alignment with that voice of mine. My biggest regret: focusing on my technical weaknesses in my personal development, rather than building my strengths as a leader with a powerful voice. What one thing will you do today to help your most powerful voice be heard?

If you would like a free hour of coaching to help you with this, please share your email below or simply write to me at patientmindcoach@gmail.com.