I used to have a graph showing my mortgage on the fridge. When possible, I would make an overpayment, and delight in getting out my marker pen and shading it in with the date. Financial security was top of my list of things that made me feel progress.

The odd thing is that I have never really experienced financial insecurity. As a boy, my parents must have suffered through the 14%-15% interest rates in 1989-90, but it’s not something that I was deeply aware of. What I was aware of was the emphasis on studying hard, then getting a good job that would pay a good salary, and then you’d be fine. This was a significant part of the narrative in conversations with my parents, who wanted the best for me.

So I negotiated a higher salary when taking new jobs, and I reported back progress: my salary, then the number of people in my team, my changing title. So why, when I had a large team, an excellent salary, and an impressive corporate title to walk into a party with, did I feel so unfulfilled?

The answer is that success is deeply personal. The Key Performance Indicators that I had been using were not my own. It was a custom suit designed for someone else, from another time. So it is not a surprise that having achieved all the metrics of apparent success, it didn’t feel right.

With a number of my clients, we are coming across the same thing, and having an “I’m successful when” conversation. This involves consciously setting aside two things that I admit I held protectively tight around me:

  1. What is success to me, putting out of mind all the expectations that may be shared by family, friends, and the world we live in?
  2. What is success to me, even if it is never acknowledged or celebrated by others?

Thinking through these two questions, I know better now what really matters to me: family warmth, deep relationships, bravery, my family’s health (and my own), community impact, fairness, and the huge potential of my clients.

So if I boil that down to a number of statements, they will be as follows:

I am successful when…

  1. My family is thriving with open communication and sharing of views (not necessarily in agreement with my own!)
  2. I have more and more time to spend with my wife Caroline, my family, and my friends. And that means attending my children’s school / club events as the rule, not the exception.
  3. The coaching work that I do is both exciting and scary. If I’m not a little nervous, that’s a bad sign of too much comfort.
  4. I am continuously learning: each year I add something new. That may be professional or personal, but it needs to be present.
  5. Every day I do at least one thing that gives me pleasure.
  6. My earnings allow me to meet the desires I have for my daughters’ development. That includes education, holidays, and the endless clubs.
  7. I can take a holiday with my best friend somewhere new each year to keep developing our bond.
  8. I can stop working with any client without fear of impacting my other goals.
  9. Each of my clients is able to share how coaching or training with me has made a difference to their ability to achieve their success.
  10. I am on top of work stress by ensuring I am physically active at least weekly and talking it out with those close to me.
Perupic 1
Alex living his purpose on the Machu Picchu trek: a tick for health, friend time, relationship depth, and feeling nervous about my knees.

 

If I live 2024 in alignment with those ten success factors, I know that I will have spent my time well. So what is it that makes you feel truly alive? What is it that you dream of making real? If you can put aside for a moment the assumptions that you have / others have for you, and the expectations that are shared with you…what would you create?

So write it down. Write it down now, and make it real. It doesn’t matter if it’s perfect, it’s a step closer to what you really want. And notice how your list may include a range of areas: health, learning, relationships, work, and more. How are they in balance?

Your list will change over time as you change. Some items may come and go from your list with experience. Adjust away, until you know what success looks like just for you, now.

This is the life that is then authentically yours. Whether you are 46 years of age like me writing down your list, or 26 or 66, it is empowering to take ownership of your journey. Who would you share your list with to make it even more real? Who would you challenge to write and share your list with?

I hope it brings clarity and purpose as it has done for me. I’d love to hear what you come up with, and am here to help if you need.

Does this resonate with you? Get in touch!

If you find yourself – as I did – out of balance with what really matters to you, then get in touch. You can have a free hour’s coaching on this to refine it, and consider what small steps you may need to take to bring that life one step closer. How would your life be different in the future if you simply spent that hour?

Either drop me a line to say hi at patientmindcoach@gmail.com, give me a ring on 0775 382 6096, or book a time for us at your convenience on www.calendly.com/alexpatient .

Or you can wait and see how things pan out according to others’ views of what your success should be.